And when we reach the edge.

As I look over the best things I have had in my life, it would be safe to say that among them are raging at the thunder storms over the great plains, the feeling of her head on your chest and her arm around your waist, a perfectly bent cross to the back post of the goal, the feedback coming through the pickups, the exhaustion of a hard day spent in the dirt, and the tears in eyes of friend when your affirmation sinks in. These things and more are the first things that come to mind when I think of my own hope and love of life. These are the seconds of clarity at the top of the falls just before you drop over the edge. This is why self-medicating will never do, why the numbness, the high, the crash, why they will never work when gotten by some method other than simply living. If I were to guess, I would say that most addicts care about each one of those things, but have lost the ability to savor them. Each day I fight to keep the the reality in mind that what is usual matters, and like the sunrise, each faithful repetition is just as important. With each one of those days, comes a certain anxiety because we can't stay in free falling anti-gravity portion of new events and fulfillment, that moment of clarity, with a clear mind and sense of purpose. Pascal said all of the world's evils could be solved if a man could figure out how to sit alone in a room with his thoughts; a psychologist named Yalom called it "existence pain". The Apostle Paul said he found a secret to sustain him through abundance and hunger, and called upon a strength far beyond his own--what they would call in AA "being in touch with your Higher Power".

Whether numbed to the ache of breathing by Oxycontin, the thrill of watching the slots roll, or the dull light of the T.V., it's all the same failure of being unable to hold a balance.